rediscovered angst

this week i started packing to move to a new apartment later this month, and i rediscovered an old legal pad containing some prose i wrote sometime in college. i remember writing it. i was feeling frustrated because i hadn't been able to write in awhile and wanted to rekindle the ability. i remember being totally unsatisfied with it, but now i kind of like it. without further ado, i present an untitled work of angst:


this is my belated attempt
a tentative pouring out
no one here to judge
but feeling scorned all the same
where have the rhymes gone?
where is my meter?
stilted now, but extravagant still
these words that live within.

surely each observation is deserving
worthy of fleeting consideration
between each sluggish flutter of my lashes
the scenes of the world pour in
and begin to filter
over the sieves of my eyes
through my paradigms
so easily distorted, perceptions
like potter's clay on an unseen wheel
forming the world to my own hands.

time spent resting is not time wasted

I generally have a list of things to accomplish on my weekends... this weekend I did not. I painted awhile, talked to my sister, did some laundry, and got creative with my remaining groceries since I can't replenish until this Friday's paycheck. In the way of accomplishment, there was little to none. But as I lay here on a Sunday night with my dog's head resting on my ankle, I can't bring myself to feel as though the weekend was wasted. I feel better rested than I have in awhile, and I got to think a lot about my current spiritual state. This weekend was good. Restful. A two-day Sabbath.

filter bubbles

the story of stuff

i've always been interested in sustainable living... this mini documentary is so concise and captivating!!

how many times will it take

escape artist

while I stand by my last blog – a rant defending my right to live un-harassed for my entertainment choices - I believe I left some things out of it that would further explain why I'm so passionate about this topic. I'm not really the type of person who can sit through very many of what I like to call "bubblegum movies" - totally meaningless wastes-of-time with too many boobs and too much slapstick comedy… to me, films should be experiences that offer new perspectives, have relatable characters, and original or witty humor. I'm not above a somewhat lowbrow movie occasionally if it offers a good laugh, but what I love the most about film is when it becomes a window into another world – when you can imagine the rest of existence beyond what you see on the screen.

I am an escape artist. not that I'm great at being sneaky or wriggling out of handcuffs, but I am an expert at escaping out of the sometimes mundane drawl of everyday life and into the worlds contained within these stories. That is the place film takes me.

I completely recognize that I cannot live in that place - I need to make my own extraordinary experiences and cherish them more than the imaginary ones. This is obvious to me, but I see absolutely no problem in finding traits in real or imaginary heroes and modeling myself after them. Certain movies encourage me to take risks I may otherwise be too fearful to take. Some renew my faith in humanity or my faith in love. I'm lucky enough to have family and friends surrounding me that possess many of the qualities I'd love to find in myself, but not everyone does. would you fault them for learning strength or courage or faith through characters in movies? Of course not. There will always be trashy entertainment that no one should watch, spend money on, or learn from – but for those of us more selective and passionate about our film choices, spare your judgement.

i like what i like

its been awhile, blogosphere. i hate to make my re-entrance with a rant, but its happening.

i would just like to say that... i am SO TIRED of getting ragged on for the things i like!! this mostly pertains to my favorite forms of entertainment - books, movies & tv shows. nearly everyone partakes in these pastimes and of course everyone picks favorites. i know i'm not the only one who gets passionate about these things - there are massive followings for all sorts of fandoms, from star trek to harry potter to the office. we're devoted to them, and i personally don't see any problem with being extremely interested in any given book, movie, or show, as long as you're not a stalker... which brings me to my main point:

WHY do i have to hear over and over that the things i like aren't acceptable?? that i'm stupid for caring?? that the things i like have no value?? that i'm wasting my time?? its almost as if my validity as a person drops a few points when its revealed that i like a certain book series or tv show.

who decided that it was okay to immediately and completely judge a person by their tastes in entertainment??  sure, it can be indicative of some personality traits, but by no means does it define me. we're so quick to defend people when they're being socially tread upon for racist or sexist reasons, but its totally okay to consistently demean people based purely on their choice of music or movie genres. what gives?? the whole reason racist and sexist comments are unacceptable is because they make assumptions about an entire group of people based on the opinions or actions of only a few people - and some of these assumptions are completely baseless. HOW is assuming every single star trek fan is a pimply nerd any different?? OR, that every twilight fan is a screaming brainless fangirl??

i'm just tired of hearing it. enough already. i like what i like. so shut it.

my life according to DCFC

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think!



Pick Your Artist: death cab for cutie



Are you male or female: technicolor girls

Describe yourself: we laugh indoors

How do you feel about yourself: someday you will be loved

Describe where you currently live: state street residential

If you could go anywhere, where would you go: transatlanticism

Your favorite form of transportation: passenger seat

Your best friend is: soul meets body

You and your best friends are: pictures in an exhibition

What's the weather like: the ice is getting thinner

Favorite time of day: no sunlight

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called: champagne from a paper cup

What is life to you: hindsight

Your last relationship: your heart is an empty room

What is the best advice you have to give: different names for the same thing

If you could change your name, you would change it to: song for kelly huckaby

How I would like to die: grapevine fires

My soul's present condition: a lack of color

My motto: meet me on the equinox

wasting potential

i've been somewhat wallowing in these thoughts recently...

am i making the most of the life i've been blessed with?

what will i wish i had done?

what will i be sorry i did?

i can't help but feeling like i'm wasting my potential.

i feel entirely useless.

is it such a long shot for each of us to accomplish something incredible once in our lives?

is it so bad to want to be remembered for something extraordinary?

is this all there is?

snowww

this is the snowstorm we had last night:

did we have work today? you bet.

proud to be a word nerd

under the influence

friday morning, i went to the dentist to get an old filling fixed, so i had to be under the influence of nitrous oxide for the better part of 2.5 hours. i had totally forgotten that sensation. according to wikipedia, nitrous oxide is "a colorless non-flammable gas, with a slightly sweet odor and taste. It is used in surgery and dentistry for its anesthetic and analgesic effects. It is known as 'laughing gas' due to the euphoric effects of inhaling it, a property that has led to its recreational use as a dissociative anesthetic."

i had a number of highly euphoric thought processes while under the influence, many of which were quite amusing to recall after the fact... such as, "man, i forgot how much fun this stuff is... if i were a dentist, i'd take it home with me." at one point i asked the dentist's assistant what kinds of crazy things people said whilst under the influence, and she told me a few, like what kinds of drugs they sell or who they're in love with. i remember thinking "well i'm not going to tell you anything, they're MY secrets." turns out, i totally said that out loud. hopefully she didn't assume i have the same sort of secrets.

community

just want to take a moment to say that the spiritual encouragement of the Church community is truly invaluable. i soaked up the love tonight at my house church, and i'm just dwelling on the blessing of it all. being surrounded by fellow believers is already such a joy, but to gather for prayer and worship is so beautiful. thanks Gennao. much love.

new-to-me car!!

dear 2006 scion xA: i heart you.



(will post pix of my actual car soon... this is a google image for now.)

money honey

i am not poor. i don't starve. i'm staying afloat in my sea of student loans. i just started making much more per hour when i switched jobs, but somehow i'm still scraping by from paycheck to paycheck. this is rather frustrating, and while i am well aware that i'm better off than the majority of the world's population, it can overwhelm me fairly easily. and NOW... i have to buy a car because the one i was driving quit working. this is the car that belongs to my daddy, which i was driving because the car i actually own broke and now my sister's driving it. what. a. mess.

however...

despite all of this, after saving for months (and with the help of five other contributors), i managed to buy my brilliant Daddy a bigass flatscreen television and blu ray player for Christmas. we watched Despicable Me on it before i came back home. it was such a joy to give, and i loved the surprise on his face. i got to spoil him a tiny bit, and it was a tiny attempt to repay him for being such an incredible father to me and my sisters all these years.

its this kind of joy that keeps me going. God provides.